I wasn't sure about writing this post, it's been in my mind for a long time but events in the last few days have made me reconsider.
It get a bit heavy, so by all means, skip it if you want and normal crafting will be resumed soon.
I grew up with a lot of toxic people, very very close family. People who never take responsibility for their own actions.
Who always blame the past for the harm they do in the present.
Who expect people around them to give them love, support and money all the time but can't even give back basic good manners in return, never mind anything else.
Who are jealous of good things that happen to other people, even if they are working really hard to have this good thing happen.
Who tell so many lies its hard to believe anything they say.
Who are such bad parents that you can see the same damage being done to their kids as was done to them.
Over the years I've lost touch with most of these people and I don't regret it in the least. The only regret I have is that family isn't supposed to be like this and I wish I had experienced the "normal" ups and downs. I know it has affected me and I am responsible for how I have let it impact my life as an adult.
This weekend, I heard that one of the few of these toxics left in my life might have cancer. Some people who know us both with have all sorts of expectations on how I should react and respond to the news, but the truth is it left me with no real feelings whatsoever. Just the same as if you heard it about a passing acquaintance.
That might make me sound hard and heartless, but as far as this person is concerned I have nothing left to give. Even the story that we heard was contradictory and garbled, so I don't even know how much I believe. My main concern is for this persons child who is lovely.
My reaction to all the internal scars I have has been to try and be the opposite of the toxics all my life, but that isn't right either. What I am working on now is being truer to who I really am, and if that means being selfish at times, or not putting on a happy face to stop others feeling uncomfortable, so be it.
I am not going to pretend to care about this person just to meet others expectations and if they don't want to understand why I am like this than too bad!